Pest control

Bah, and here’s me choosing the way of the beast as my wizard path. How could I not have seen this coming? Truth be told, being banished to the mortal realm is pretty new and hip as punishments go. Ever since Mr Rickets Barney discovered the portal, it’s become the king’s favourite method of punishing infractions.

Still, while undoubtedly all the other secret wizards are making their lives here easier with their magical talents, all I can do is make sure that my apartment and the ones around me are free from insect interference. There are regulations against having too many animals in a small space, and I have a job to go to so I can’t simply frolic amongst the Australian wildlife all day. And these damnable principles! I could get a job with a reputable Frankston pest control company, and use my secret talents to become their very best agent. I’ve seen the tools they use for termite inspections and pest controlling in general, and while humans do very well for themselves with the resources they have been given, it’s not quite as efficient as using my Beast Tongue to simply whisper through the cracks to the termites that there’s a huge sale on right now, 75% off damp wood out in the back garden, thus causing them to flee en masse from the house.

That would be cheating, however, and I’m rather paranoid that people will hear me talking to the bugs and either suspect that I’m using magical powers, think I’m just weird, or both. Then I’d be that weird pest controller who talks to bugs and is also a wizard, and I’ll never work as a pest inspection agent near Frankston or anywhere else ever again. And I LIKE the idea of doing pest control. I feel like it’s why I was dropped into this world to begin with. No one else sweet-talks the termites quite like I do.

If I’d known the number of boxes that need to be ticked in the course of building a house, I may never have started on this ridiculous journey. At least, I might have opted for something more straightforward than this split-level pole home concept… but then, what else would I put on this block?

At the end of the day, I have no doubt that it’s going to be worth all the fuss and bother. I inherited this block of land, and that puts me a step ahead of most in the pursuit of homeownership. So I can’t complain about the slope and intensive filling of swamp that’s been required, or the lack of existing connections to utilities for that matter.

It just surprised me how many components of the process I’d never heard of before in my life. Take, for example, pre-construction termite protection. Turns out, builders are required to incorporate defences against termites into new houses being built in areas with a high risk of infestation, and my block is positioned within one such area.

I don’t even rightly know what’s involved in these kind of termite control treatments. Dandenong homeowners out there: can anyone fill me in? Does something get sprayed into the wood, or is there some kind of high-tech device that keeps them at bay? I guess it’s not that important for me to know – I’ve got a pest management expert on the case now. But I’m still keen to know what’s going into the fabric of my house.

In any case, I don’t regret deciding to build on this block here in Dandenong. Pest control companies’ opinions on its risk level notwithstanding, I think it’s pretty much perfect. I guess it benefits me, in the end, to jump through all these bureaucratic hoops – a lot of them are no doubt worth it as far as ensuring the longevity of the structure goes.

All thing considered, I’m glad I went into this not knowing not was involved – if I had known, I’d never have made it this far.