Archerak’s Revival

I’ve just finished reviving into my new duplicate body after Jack Zebraman stabbed me in the back with a metal pole. It’s an exhausting process, even for an ultra-powerful archlich like me. I need to relax for a couple of days and recuperate. I probably won’t even leave Big Ben unless it’s to get my favourite SunBucks coffee. The Elders of the Internet who guard my phylactery certainly seem surprised to see me, since I’ve never actually used it before.

I know I should be going back to Sweden in Melbourne to get my revenge against Zebraman, but frankly, I can’t really be bothered. Yes, I swore that I would make him pay for destroying my old body, and yes, it’s a bit of an insult that a washed-up actor was able to defeat me, but maybe I should just let him have his petty victory. Besides, he’ll live the rest of his life in abject fear that I could come for him at any time. That’s the real victory, if you ask me.

Anyway, you’re probably wondering why I betrayed the alliance to stop Evil Space Wizard in the first place. To be perfectly honest, I don’t think it’s any of my business to fight a creature that was raised to serve as a blocked drain solution. Melbourne residents shouldn’t have to put up with blocked drains. That aside, I’m not afraid of him. Why would I be afraid of him? If you don’t recall, I turned the regular Space Wizard into a pile of goo with a mere flick of my wrist. I’m certain I could do the same to Evil Space Wizard.

If I had to choose between fighting Evil Space Wizard and becoming a professional plumber, you should just tell me where to get started with the drain repairs. Brighton, Essendon or Preston; I don’t care where. I’ll travel to any of them and use my magic to fix drain issues. Not because I’m afraid of Evil Space Wizard, but because fighting him sounds really boring to me. It would be too easy. I’d rather leave the fighting to the others, who might actually see it as a challenge.