Drains

I’ve just finished reviving into my new duplicate body after Jack Zebraman stabbed me in the back with a metal pole. It’s an exhausting process, even for an ultra-powerful archlich like me. I need to relax for a couple of days and recuperate. I probably won’t even leave Big Ben unless it’s to get my favourite SunBucks coffee. The Elders of the Internet who guard my phylactery certainly seem surprised to see me, since I’ve never actually used it before.

I know I should be going back to Sweden in Melbourne to get my revenge against Zebraman, but frankly, I can’t really be bothered. Yes, I swore that I would make him pay for destroying my old body, and yes, it’s a bit of an insult that a washed-up actor was able to defeat me, but maybe I should just let him have his petty victory. Besides, he’ll live the rest of his life in abject fear that I could come for him at any time. That’s the real victory, if you ask me.

Anyway, you’re probably wondering why I betrayed the alliance to stop Evil Space Wizard in the first place. To be perfectly honest, I don’t think it’s any of my business to fight a creature that was raised to serve as a blocked drain solution. Melbourne residents shouldn’t have to put up with blocked drains. That aside, I’m not afraid of him. Why would I be afraid of him? If you don’t recall, I turned the regular Space Wizard into a pile of goo with a mere flick of my wrist. I’m certain I could do the same to Evil Space Wizard.

If I had to choose between fighting Evil Space Wizard and becoming a professional plumber, you should just tell me where to get started with the drain repairs. Brighton, Essendon or Preston; I don’t care where. I’ll travel to any of them and use my magic to fix drain issues. Not because I’m afraid of Evil Space Wizard, but because fighting him sounds really boring to me. It would be too easy. I’d rather leave the fighting to the others, who might actually see it as a challenge.

Alright, so we still have sewers. Also, telephone poles.

I know! Who even knew we still had those things?? I just kinda assumed that people had found ways to get rid of them for good, thus accelerating mankind into a new and glorious age, but they’re still here. the sewer thing was reasonable enough, because you can’t see it, but I only realised that telephone poles existed when someone pointed them out. Like, wow. They’ve always been there. In the era of bluetooth and wireless internet…these things are still taking up space. Their days are numbered, for sure.

Drains and sewers I guess I can understand a little bit more, because that’s a physical thing. We’ll always need companies in Melbourne that do drain unblocking and clearing because we still need water, which means we need drains. And if we have drains, that means there are idiots who’ll put things down them that don’t belong there. Or children, to be fair. I used to just dump everything down the drain when I was a kid, thinking it all gets washed away to a magical land where no one has to deal with it. Actually, it wasn’t until we needed such severe drain repair that we had to move in with Uncle Frederick for a few days that I learned- the hard way- that drains aren’t meant for food.

Still, it’s 2018. Why have we not reached the point where all drains are equipped with high-speed spinning blades that chop everything into soup as soon as they pass through? I guess kids would stick their hands in there, or…again, idiots. I do wonder if they’re making any headway into this, though. Next time I come into contact with a Melbourne drain and sewer repair company, I’ll ask them how those helicopter blade innovations are coming. Or if someone has found a way to transfer waste in a way that isn’t sewers.

-Dane