The Better Oxygen

Health / By
Most of the time on ‘Echolocation!’, they move onto different people every week. Sometimes there’s a two-part episode, but the show has always been pretty consistent about telling different stories, even when the stories aren’t quite complete, like last week when Ophelia and Iris were on the table in their lab while the water was pouring in because they bought some cheap sealant and no one was coming to help because they live a hundred miles away from the coast in a metal pod and they were crying and stuff.

Like, did they…did they get out? The show didn’t go back to them, so maybe they were eaten by whales. But today we got what might be the first three-part episode! As Grant had to row all the way back to buy portable oxygen chambers in Melbourne because Janine was getting seriously oxygen sick and they needed a pure source. That’s the thing about living in a renovated sunken cruise ship: the pressure can really get to you, and all the oxygen you’re breathing is recycled. Janine has been having headaches for weeks now, and Grant theorised that it was because of the shoddy oxygen they were having imported from Russia. They can’t afford to pay rent AND upgrade their oxygen, but Grant thought that maybe a bit of hyperbaric time per day might make things easier, plus they make portable chambers now. He rowed for hours to pick up the chambers, and in this episode he finally got back only to face the new problem of how to transport the chambers down to the house, because they don’t fit in the transport tube.

Meanwhile, Janine’s head has swelled to the point where it’s 20% bigger than usual and she’s started to hallucinate, so whether they like it or not, they might have to switch their oxygen provider. I haven’t seen the end of the episode yet, but…I hope Grant gets there in time. I don’t think explosive decompression would fit the theme of light evening entertainment.

-Yusef

 

Human Temperature Values

Air Conditioning / By

People in this workplace talk about air conditioning a lot. It is perhaps one of the top three subjects, alongside the weather, and what the conversation partner is either doing on their weekend, or has done on the weekend. That’s something I learned to ask quite early on.

This body of mine is quite advanced, but it’s still difficult for me to ascertain temperature, so to fit in with my fellow workers I’ve started randomly saying things like “wow, golly, the air conditioning is strong today, my dear colleagues!” and “Gosh, those companies in Melbourne installing air conditioners did a very great and wonderful job, I can feel that cool air on my human skin!”

People used to look at me very strangely…well, whenever I opened my mouth for more than affirmative or negative statements. However, ever since I told them that I am actually an unusually-light-skinned person, no one seems to question me much. Racial divides, it seems, are not something you should question too harshly.

The temperature of the air coming out of the unit brings out many curiosities in the human temperament. Diana always wants the place to be warmer, so as soon as Kim goes to the unit and turns it up, it’s like Diana is always right on her heels to turn it up with an exasperated expression. It is like a dance, a matter of instinct that they are both aware of but go along with anyway. Fascinating. And then there’s Sandra, who simply must tell everyone on her office rounds not to have it on all day because it’s electricity best used elsewhere, and that getting air conditioning repairs near Melbourne does not cost “a handful of peanuts.”

I’m unfamiliar with this phrase. But the nuances of the air con unit continue. Perhaps I shall never understand them all, lacking as I am in temperature receptors.

Questionable Content

Aluminium / By

Alright, now Her-Bla is just blatantly mocking my way of life, and I won’t have it in my home. I won’t say Marley is obsessed with it, but she seems to like it okay. It’s aimed at six-year-old girls, I guess. If there are bright colours and girls saying ‘YEAH, GIRL POWER, BOYS ARE FOOLS!’ then she’s going to be interested regardless of the political subject matter.

I get that automation is a hot topic, and probably will be for the next few…decades. Heck, not I have toolbox central locking, which seems like the thin end of a wedge. One day you’re letting your toolbox lock remotely, the next your ute is driving around by itself, getting under tray drawer upgrades by itself because it wants to impress a lady ute, and I’m out of a job.

But this latest episode of Her-Bla tried to teach kids the valuable message that we shouldn’t fear automation taking over, and that ‘automation’ is actually a racist term against machines, because they have feelings and they also deserve jobs. And…well…how do I say this without sounding ‘problematic’? Oh yeah: that’s wrong. Yeah, totally wrong.

I will not have a TV show telling me, and especially my daughter, that a toaster deserves a job more than a human. I drive the ute. I tell my toolbox when to lock, using my innovative toolbox central locking; it’s not so innovative that it makes that decision itself…yet. Gosh, it’s just so incredibly blatant when Her-Bla and her friends go on an adventure in the basement of the shining castle to retrieve a set of aluminium accessories for Utah the Ute, after which they all turn to the camera and tell kids that “machines have feelings too, and they hate being on the dole just as much!”

No! They do not! Good grief, kids’ TV these days is weird. Not sure I want it in my house.

Sewers Still Exist

Drains / By

Alright, so we still have sewers. Also, telephone poles.

I know! Who even knew we still had those things?? I just kinda assumed that people had found ways to get rid of them for good, thus accelerating mankind into a new and glorious age, but they’re still here. the sewer thing was reasonable enough, because you can’t see it, but I only realised that telephone poles existed when someone pointed them out. Like, wow. They’ve always been there. In the era of bluetooth and wireless internet…these things are still taking up space. Their days are numbered, for sure.

Drains and sewers I guess I can understand a little bit more, because that’s a physical thing. We’ll always need companies in Melbourne that do drain unblocking and clearing because we still need water, which means we need drains. And if we have drains, that means there are idiots who’ll put things down them that don’t belong there. Or children, to be fair. I used to just dump everything down the drain when I was a kid, thinking it all gets washed away to a magical land where no one has to deal with it. Actually, it wasn’t until we needed such severe drain repair that we had to move in with Uncle Frederick for a few days that I learned- the hard way- that drains aren’t meant for food.

Still, it’s 2018. Why have we not reached the point where all drains are equipped with high-speed spinning blades that chop everything into soup as soon as they pass through? I guess kids would stick their hands in there, or…again, idiots. I do wonder if they’re making any headway into this, though. Next time I come into contact with a Melbourne drain and sewer repair company, I’ll ask them how those helicopter blade innovations are coming. Or if someone has found a way to transfer waste in a way that isn’t sewers.

-Dane

Kitchen Makes Home

Design / By

Looks like Sandrine’s scarred for life again. We all told her, straight up in our first meeting, that she shouldn’t be back at work. It might have come across as being brutally honest, but it needed to be said. Last time we saw her she was having a nervous breakdown and saying that our competitors were trying to burn down the building. Which is…well, it’s not true, at all. Hasn’t happened while she was recovering, at least. And we’ve gotten so much done without her buzzing over our shoulders and sending texts and emails at unearthly hours.

Just last week, Deborah said there was enough in the budget to hire a really well-rated Melbourne company that does bathroom design, to give our two bathrooms a nice touch-up. The situation in there was quite grim, but we had a meeting on the designs and we were all really happy with the results. First thing Sandrine did when she got back? She called the companies and cancelled, because it was ‘a waste of resources and ‘the bathrooms were fine!’

They’re not fine, Sandrine. We know YOU know that’s true because you have to use them just like we do. She just wants to feel like she’s reasserting control over everything, and one of the best ways to do that is getting rid of all the progress we’ve made in the last couple of months. It’s Sandrine’s way, or it’s no way at all; everything back to normal, then. We’d also had thoughts of contacting a kitchen renovation company to do something about that room, which is looking pretty old and worn, but I don’t think that’s happening now either. Great, fine, whatever. We don’t need things that’ll improve the office and raise productivity overall. No, it’s all about the figures and the numbers and never mind if we’re all suffering. Thanks, Sandrine! Great to have you back! Even though you’re clearly not ready to face the world.

Melbourne Loves Boats

Boating / By

I’ve been thinking about boating a lot lately. I know that seems like a random thing to have on my mind but I’ve always been fond of the water. If you need outboard motor repairs, Melbourne area locals, then you’re in the right place for that sort of thing. I only just moved here from up north and I have to say the boating industry is… weirdly strong? Is that a bad thing to say?

It’s not that I think it’s weird that people like boats and stuff down here, but I just assumed that there would be much less of a boating scene. The weather doesn’t help, because no one’s going to say “let’s go out on a cruise around the bay – it’s pouring with rain and it’ll be great!” Even windy weather can be a pain, depending on the boat. But no. Melbourne people are just used to it, I suppose.

I did ask some of the boat servicing people around the docks why it’s such a big deal, and they had a plethora of answers. There was a huge boating craze a few months back, with young people in particular becoming uncharacteristically interested in taking up ownership of marine vessels. So there was a boom, and while that’s died down a bit, people still are still pretty hyped on the idea – it’s actually considered hip to have a go-to boat repair guy down on the coast. 

Okay… that’s fine. Most people in Brisbane just take the public catamaran to get their fix of being on a boat, but I guess that sort of system isn’t really set up down here, so people have done their own thing. After that boost to the industry, there’s been a bunch of television coverage of various parts of the docks in Melbourne. Anchor winch servicing, marine welding, the lives of people on house-boats, you name it. Now everyone wants a piece of the action. And in the end, it looks like I’ll be in good company when I finally get my boat down here.

-CT

Groove Cave

Interior decor / By

I’m stoked to announce that the small bar project that Randy, Mel, Billy and I started over a year ago is almost ready to go! When I say almost, I mean there’s still at least a couple of months of work to knock over, but we’ve finally arrived at the fun bit: interior decor. Time to bring some bold aesthetic flavour to this perfect fitout.

Some keywords for the theme we’re going for: neon glam in the crystal caves of deep space. So, yeah, we’re going hard with the conceptual ambience. But really, it’s sort of de rigueur when opening a bar in this part of Melbourne. Besides, I have a pretty clear idea in my head of how it can be pulled off with a minimum of fuss.

Basically, it’s going to depend heavily on (a) lighting and (b) wall coverings. The first bit is going to take some looking into, but I have a pretty clear idea in mind – a sort of ‘futuristic apparitions in the darkness’ vibe. We’ll have a lighting designer take care of how that’s going to play out.

As for the surface coverings, there’s a whole world of DIY solutions out there thanks to the advent of custom-printed, self-adhesive wallpaper. For example, we can transform the plain white bathroom stalls into grunge-glam groove caves using faux concrete wallpaper. Add a concealed sound system playing ambient blips and boops and you have a recipe for the coolest bathroom ever.

Then there’s the main course of the bar area. We can have all manner of glowing portals and crystalline surfaces printed up, or perhaps some kind of psychedelic space cactus. Wallpaper designs, man – this is totally where it’s at for nailing down a theme.

It really seems like the sky’s the limit in terms of what can be done with this type of decor solution – or, at least, the ceiling’s the limit. Apparently, wallpapering ceilings is all the rage right now.

Windows and Doors

Aluminium / By

Windows…we have no need of them here. Back in Urusai Castle, we had no windows, only stone openings that were impenetrable. Of course, we had no doors either, not in the western sense. Much has changed since we moved here, despite our efforts to transform this space into the glorious headquarters we once had. As one of our wise sages once said, “The past is like a lemon. Delicious when squeezed, and good for throwing into the faces and eyes of your enemies, but after squeezing? Good for nothing. Throw it on the compost heap!”

Despite that being one of the most famous phrases of my old Sensei, I don’t really know what it means. Now the younger members of the clan want aluminium door replacement, and I’m at my wit’s end. Aluminium doors? Why do we need those, when we have sliding doors made of paper? I know paper doors aren’t quite as secure, but…it’s the way things have always been. We caved on the issue of windows, because this is Melbourne, and the weather is so very unpredictable. So now we have some lovely sash windows, and I will admit that they’re nice to look at. Plus when we go on assignments, we can open them and leap out to keep everyone guessing. Can’t always be using the front door, after all. But doors? Actual doors with hinges, that don’t slide and are made of a sturdy material? Ones with multiple locks and security screens? Yikes.

…

Alright, I’m staring to see the appeal. It would be nice to have some proper privacy. Currently a sneeze will echo throughout the house and into every room. Not great when my cousin has allergies and is sneezing all night. I wonder if the same companies that do window replacements in Melbourne also do aluminium doors? It might not fit our aesthetic, but if it means we can stop guarding the front door all night and just lock it instead, then I’d be happy with those results.

You Better Scoot

Pest control / By

Bah, and here’s me choosing the way of the beast as my wizard path. How could I not have seen this coming? Truth be told, being banished to the mortal realm is pretty new and hip as punishments go. Ever since Mr Rickets Barney discovered the portal, it’s become the king’s favourite method of punishing infractions.

Still, while undoubtedly all the other secret wizards are making their lives here easier with their magical talents, all I can do is make sure that my apartment and the ones around me are free from insect interference. There are regulations against having too many animals in a small space, and I have a job to go to so I can’t simply frolic amongst the Australian wildlife all day. And these damnable principles! I could get a job with a reputable Frankston pest control company, and use my secret talents to become their very best agent. I’ve seen the tools they use for termite inspections and pest controlling in general, and while humans do very well for themselves with the resources they have been given, it’s not quite as efficient as using my Beast Tongue to simply whisper through the cracks to the termites that there’s a huge sale on right now, 75% off damp wood out in the back garden, thus causing them to flee en masse from the house.

That would be cheating, however, and I’m rather paranoid that people will hear me talking to the bugs and either suspect that I’m using magical powers, think I’m just weird, or both. Then I’d be that weird pest controller who talks to bugs and is also a wizard, and I’ll never work as a pest inspection agent near Frankston or anywhere else ever again. And I LIKE the idea of doing pest control. I feel like it’s why I was dropped into this world to begin with. No one else sweet-talks the termites quite like I do.

Spreading Auto Repairs

Cars / By

I do love a good festival. Just celebrating other cultures, right here in the country of immigrants…feels so right. I’m sitting in the café right now watching it all happen in the square: the Festival of Light. Honestly, you haven’t lived until you’ve seen twenty people doing a ribbon dance in perfect sync, except their ribbons are lined with tiny LED lights that make it look like they’re swirling little lightning bolts around themselves.

Folk music is super cool as well. A heavy beat like rap songs, but there’s a more subtle sound to it as well. I dunno, cultures are fun.

My old mechanic used to be from my home country…I guess he still is. He would always talk about this amazing auto electrical garage in Bentleigh. He was constantly talking about cars back where he used to live. Apparently they’re still pretty popular over there, but there’s a big push-back over the idea of having them in country towns and villages. People just don’t like the idea of that level of modernity invading the way they’ve always done things. He actually left his village after a tourist showed him pictures of a classic car and he had a burning desire to know everything about them, so he became a black sheep for a while.

Suppose it’d be like leaving an Australian country farming town to go and work in a big corporation, except the corporation is anti-farming and wants to give all land to the government.

I don’t know, I just made that up, but he had to cut ties with his family to follow his passion. And follow his passion he did, since he became a mechanic and all. Maybe next time I go to Bentleigh for a car service I should ask if anyone knows how to contact my old friend. Maybe he’s gone back to his home country to spread the good news of cars and mechanics actually being pretty impressive after all.

-K